Shadow, you said I was lost forever but you lied

The event described below happened a few months ago, and is unimpressive at a surface level but it was a line in the sand on my journey of finding myself. 

Soon after the Mahat Meditation retreat in March this year, I was in a waiting room alone before an appointment, and closed my eyes to chill out and check in with myself. I went quickly into a meditative state without trying, and the energy felt so strong, so good, so deep.

I easily sunk into the all embracing arms of eternal goodness, and even as my mind started questioning it – what’s this? why’s this happening? how long will it last? - my true essence was unbothered, this time.

This is merging with my Soul, I realised. I’d come within range of my own greatness and its magnetising light, and was drawn in with gentle suction. 

Then out of the corner of my ear I noticed Radiohead’s 'Karma Police' come on the radio.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a fear – black, heavy, dense, buzzing, a horrid furry anchor, pulled me and consumed me in dread.

If your life were a movie, edited back to the gist, it'd be a fascinating, magnificent and inspiring adventure of how you unfurled to be more of your true self.

We each have a theme for our adventure, but it’s not a detailed prescription. Each lifetime we've chosen a personality, some gifts, coupla challenges, some key players, and it's all set up so we can balance and awaken some soulfully chosen things on our journey back to our true selves.

It's not set up to torment or bore us to death - it's there to get us realising more of our real deal. Sometimes we'll get the rug pulled out from under us...

‘That’s how it is for me’
 
It is a cavernous divide, the distance between the disempowered, hopeless, bamboozled feeling of not being able to express myself in an unwaverable way, and the powerfully honest place where all I need to say is ‘That’s how it is for me’.
 
There came a time in my life, just a few years ago, where I learnt to just honestly say what I feel without needing to explain or defend it. I took back my power.
 
In my private life, my rebellious side always ran freely. It was my idea to have homebirths and not immunise our boys, and Wayne embraced and shared my research findings and feelings.

I also refuse fluoridated water, pap smears, breast scans and any procedure or medication I believe unnecessary at best and...

About six months ago I dreamed I had a baby girl. The feeling was of profound Love as I beheld her beauty and nurtured her warmly. 

She played happily in some dirt, free and guileless, but then a dark infection entered the dream and she looked scared and whispered –

“Daddy will be angry I dirtied my pretty pink dress.”

Ach, it broke my heart. She was starting to believe those lies about being not good, not worthy.

In 2012 I found a book I'd never seen before while rifling through a box at home - it holds a certain magic and continues to impact my life.

It's about a quirky master of reality called Don who thinks he should teach others what he knows.

As part of trying to show people that they choose their realities, Don always supports them in whatever they do or believe, no matter how ridiculous.

My definition of Bad Ass - someone who takes a metaphoric machete to the chains that suppress the true self, whether with a personal style that is meditative and mellow or feisty as fuck. 

I used to consider myself a bit of a bitch.

A physical fighter at school, convicted shoplifter/underage drinker/hinderer of the police, school wagger, promiscuous 

Astrology is believed to have developed thousands of years ago in ancient Egypt and spread all over the world. No king or queen or wealthy household was without their own astrologer.

Some believe astrology stems from longer back, into very ancient and advanced civilisations that may be called mythical, like Atlantis and Lemuria. I do.
 

You know how there are some places in the world you feel a strong resonance with? Cape Town is one of mine - things just feel right there. 

When I got home, a wise friend suggested I see if astrology can find special spots for each of us. Sure nuff, there is a technique called astromapping which transfers key  points of your birth chart onto the globe, showing beneficial and challenging lines to take advantage of or avoid.

As an arachnophobe since I can remember, I speak to other phobics of any kind out there - these fears hold gifts and no matter how sure you are that you'll never heal yours, you can.

I was way too scared to consider hypnotherapy or desensitization therapy and yet the fear really affected my daily life and I wanted freedom from it.

Patches of anxiety, bouts of depression; most everybody has them. At what point they become a mental health issue, I don't know. I do know that more adults and kids than ever are experiencing mental health issues at one level or another. I believe the increase is symptomatic of evolving consciousness, but that's another story (which I love to tell).

I love this pic of a boy with his cat who stands happily before his greatness. Most of us tend to be scared of our light, as author/teacher/ activist Marianne Williamson brilliantly quoted (see below).

We can even feel shy to look in the face of the greatness of others, because we're seeing our own in them and it freaks us out. 

Madonna is breathtaking in this speech about her 34 years as a woman in music...it's worth watching the whole thing as she shows her outrageous and sexually provocative self that she has always been unapologetic about.

Astrologically, she carries a powerful Lilith archetype - the asteroid Lilith is worth studying in your chart to understand your feminine energy's emancipation.