Shadow, you said I was lost forever but you lied
The event described below happened a few months ago, and is unimpressive at a surface level but it was a line in the sand on my journey of finding myself.
Soon after the Mahat Meditation retreat in March this year, I was in a waiting room alone before an appointment, and closed my eyes to chill out and check in with myself. I went quickly into a meditative state without trying, and the energy felt so strong, so good, so deep.
I easily sunk into the all embracing arms of eternal goodness, and even as my mind started questioning it – what’s this? why’s this happening? how long will it last? - my true essence was unbothered, this time.
This is merging with my Soul, I realised. I’d come within range of my own greatness and its magnetising light, and was drawn in with gentle suction.
Then out of the corner of my ear I noticed Radiohead’s 'Karma Police' come on the radio.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a fear – black, heavy, dense, buzzing, a horrid furry anchor, pulled me and consumed me in dread.
Alarmed and ambushed, and already well experienced with these jaws, I felt terror that inescapable evil was attacking me.
The song played on –
'For a minute there
I lost myself
I lost mysellllllllffffff'
The terror swamped me so strongly I couldn’t hold the space. I nearly leapt up to my feet to take my stance against it but knew that kind of drama would only feed it.
You no longer have any power over me
Instead I opened my eyes and thrust my arms above my head, for some reason that helped, like an animal that puffs itself up to look bigger when under threat, and began reciting in my head the affirmation, given to me by my Mahat Meditation teacher and mentor Melaney Ryan of Stillpoint Institute.
This affirmation was a significant part of getting me out of my dark night of the soul a few years before, along with ITA treatments and a lot of personal struggle. Always it took a huge focus to say this with commitment when the swirling thickness was swamping me, and initially the fear would try to fight it and I'd have to concentrate harder and pull deeper on my strength, but it would work after a while - the energy had no choice but to obey if I persevered and stood my ground (though being able to do that took about 6 months of what seemed like a life or death struggle).
“You no longer have any power over me. You will do as is stated. I now release all the ties and beliefs that prevent me from rediscovering my greatness. I now move forward in my true essence.”
I felt my fear reducing and my self-control returning. It was over in a few minutes.
During my most intense hours in 2013/14 when a chunk of my nervous system broke down and deep terror cracked me open, I was in the worst pit I'd ever been in by far and was doubting I'd ever get out.
I’d deliberately lie still on my back in bed and fully open myself to the terror, letting it course through me, torturing me, beating the fuck out of me. This infinite hell-well I threw myself into time and again. I didn't think I had a choice but to submit to it, I believed I was its bitch. A classic case of bullying on a galactic scale, it felt.
Self-flagellation…self-crucifixion. I did it to myself. As if the more I suffered, the more worthy I must be, the more forgivable, the more pure. If I suffered enough maybe it would finish with me, maybe I'd placate it or it'd run out of steam, and I'd earn my freedom. I believed I couldn't possibly stand up to something this big, and the relentlessness of the energy made me so exhausted and completely sleepless that I was getting weaker and weaker it seemed. It gave me no reprieve. Nutshell: it took a while but I did get out of it.
We all lost ourselves to some degree on this epic journey of being a soul in a human body. My point is we're at the end of the hellish separation phase. The cycles of evolution will continue but each time humanity or whatever form we're in, will grow in wisdom and strength and there is no need to lose ourselves so deeply, or at all. Maybe those of us who fully remember ourselves as the Soul won't come back to Earth for another cycle, or maybe we will. That's another story.
After the experience of many lifetimes of losing myself, forgetting my truth, diving in to a world of opposites and getting stuck at the shitty end of love and fear, rich and poor, joy and grief – I am now well on my re-turn to self.
Over the last 12 years, endless hours of healing, studying energy and spirituality, meditation, prayer, reading tonnes of books and endless internet searches and attending so many seminars and courses, wrestling with the shadow big time - it's all paid off because I have nothing significant to heal anymore.
My shadow was scraping the bottom of the barrel when it had that go at me in the waiting room. It gave me all it had, and it disappeared when I called it's bluff.
It was hard and intense work, there is no romanticizing it, to get to that point. Did it have to be so hard? I don't know, but that's how it was. We all have our struggles to get through.
Those of us who are choosing to remember our true selves now have the galactic wind at our backs to do so...the era of the shadow ruling the roost is over. We each still have a shadow, because it's part of us and helps us realise who we are, but it doesn't have the same power to run the show the way it has over the last 12,000 years.
It's time, as marked by the turning of the 26,000 year Grand Precessional Cross (which is known by astronomers as one galactic day, giving us a sense of how small this cycle is in the galactic scale), to return to our true self as the Soul. Amen.